- 11/02/13 - 

Have you ever really wanted something? I mean really wanted something. Wanted something so much that your chest aches and your eyes well up with tears? 

Well, right now, I want something. 

But the hard thing is, I can't work for it. I can't pay for it. I can't kick and scream and beg for it until my throat is hoarse. It's literally out of my hands. All that stands between me and the thing I desperately want is a one-page letter with a return address in Virginia, and God's plan and purpose. 

This thing, it's not something I can decide. This thing has been the subject of a constant battle between God and me, and it's not that I doubt his power to allow me this thing, it's that I don't know if this is part of his plan for me, and the thought leaves me breathless and sobbing and screaming all at once. 

One time, someone asked me how I am so close to God.

Well, my first instinct was to laugh and say honey it's my pastor dad and a lot of Bible reading. 

But then I stopped. Because that wasn't true. A relationship with God is forged through kicking, screaming, and a lot of crying. A lot of crying. A lot of asking why and how and when and what and wherefore. It's a lot of shaking your fist at the sky then collapsing into bed so hard that you can't breathe. It's a lot of falling down, only to be picked up again by your Daddy and shown how you have no idea, no clue what's ahead. 

And you really do not have even the faintest idea. It's really humbling. 

The journey begins and goes and ends in realizing not that you are nothing, but that He is everything. 

Blessed Saturday friends. He is everything. 


  1. Mh, babygirl, this is powerful and true.

  2. Really true. Being close to God is not easy at all.

  3. these words ring true in my soul. preach it, sister.

  4. wow, i love this so much. i can tell we are of two different faiths and yet i have a testimony of EXACTLY what you are talking about it.